1. How to Get There
NASA has a poor track record as far as safety is concerned, and should be approached with caution. Any shuttle with a crew full of human interest story archetypes like teachers or rags-to-riches immigrants should be avoided at all costs.
The Russian service is safe but expensive, with tickets costing up to $40 million. This means that only wealthy industrialists or boy band members can afford to fly Russian. The upside is that travelers will accrue enough Frequent Flier Miles to buy their own baseball team.
Cash-strapped visitors can take one of the “Mystery Flight” options available. Try stumbling into an old-fashioned London telephone box. Note: Likely encounters with Daleks mean that this holiday is unsuitable for young children.
For an overnight stay, try being abducted by extraterrestrials. This is free and is a great way to experience space’s unique culture. The only downside is that your rectum will be probed to a pulp and that you will be dropped off in a cornfield, naked, shamed, and disorientated.
2. Eating and Drinking
The space diet consists mainly of Space Food Sticks washed down with Tang. The Tang is reconstituted with recycled urine, meaning that it actually tastes better than it does on Earth.
Space tourists may also enjoy freeze-dried ice-cream, which is imported to space from museum gift shops.
3. When to Go
Irishmen trying to fly to the sun should attempt it at night.
4. Orientation and Information
Visitors to space should take detailed maps. Families have been known to get lost for up to eight TV series and a movie.
The most popular guide to space is the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. It is not necessary to take a copy yourself, as the science geeks on your rocket’s crew will be able to recite large chunks verbatim.
5. Places to Stay
There are no hotels in space. Travelers can either stay in their shuttles or go aboard the International Space Station. Staying aboard the shuttle is cheaper, and the view out the window is spectacular, but after a while re-reading the safety instructions and eating peanuts can wear thin.
The most popular entertainments in space are space-walking and urinating into a catheter. The small space available means that activities are limited, but it’s important to remember that all terrestrial pastimes can have the prefix “space” added to them. Anyone for a game of “space cards”?
7. Society and Culture
Most of the beings you will encounter in space will be of the warmongering persuasion. As a general rule, their weaponry will be thousands of years of the advance of mankind’s, but they will have only a crude understanding of dress sense.
There is no need to undergo any special language training for your trip to space. Any life-forms you encounter will speak English.
8. Medical Treatment
The most common medical problem in space is having a superior alien life form infect your stomach. The major symptom of this is space diarrhea. It can be treated with a dose of a flamethrower or a burst of machine-gun fire if a flamethrower is not available.
9. Dangers and Annoyances
Astronauts can be subject to a number of dangers. The most prominent of these is being sucked into a black hole. If you are killed by a black hole, you can rest assured that someone in the future will ponder your death while high on marijuana.
Most of the space’s potential problems can be overcome by packing Dr. Spock before your departure.